Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
