Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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