Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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