Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
