I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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