pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
