I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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