i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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