I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
