just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Randomize
