If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
