1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
