when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
