At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
