So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
