My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
