Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
