So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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