Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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