So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
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