my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
