Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
