glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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