My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm just crazy horny about you
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
