Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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