Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
