Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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