i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
