I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
