what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
