Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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