How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
