Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
