ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
