Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
