I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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