I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
