I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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