Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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