How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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