nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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