I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
