Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
