If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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