Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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