I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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