Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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