I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
