I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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