I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
