Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
COCAINE IS GR8
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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