Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize