I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
