Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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