this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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