I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
